(The set is primarily one unit, a small town radio station (the booth). There is an exit to the rest of the station to one side. To the other side of the stage is the phone-in area where the actress will basically ‘live’ for the majority of the show. She’s currently there, as MAGGIE. In the station, there are two microphones on scissor stands, one large desk (or possibly two smaller ones), and a big silver box. A very automated voice comes out ‘over the air’.)

Snow and blowing snow, and blizzard like conditions are predicted for the seven county region and beyond for the next three days. It is advised to avoid travel. Tune in on the quarter hour for more weather.

(Bart drifts into the booth sometime during the weather announcement. He is wearing khakis and a corporate polo with the BCN logo on it. He casually pushes the button to go live.)

Yeah, so there you have it folks. It looks like we could have a big one coming in. Check your coal, get the firewood inside, have your emergency kits ready, because this one’s looking serious. As always, WHLO, Well Hello, will be providing you updates throughout. This is Bart Dunwood. Back to music.

It’s the big big sound. W H L O. Well Hello!

(His phone rings. It’s a big ol’ Nokia brick.)

Hey Maggie.

Hey, you. Look at you going off script like that. Talking extra about the weather.

Yeah, I’m such a renegade. Hey, listen, the new guy still hasn’t shown up, can you give the Supper Club a call and see if we can move the reservation back.

About that. I just talked to them and they’re closing up early because of the storm.

What? Dang, I’m sorry, Maggie. I know you were looking forward to it, our three month anniversary and all.

Well, I was…but we could always, you know, have dinner at my place.

Sure, sure, that’s an idea.

But…?

But, I could get snowed in there.

That, is a distinct possibility.

I guess I could sleep on the couch.

Well, it’ll be a little cramped, but we’ll make it work. (silence) Are you blushing? I love when you blush

Yeah, so… as soon as the new guy gets here, I’ll train him and drive straight over.

Good.

After all, the training will take about twenty seconds.

Now, Bart.

Okay, maybe thirty. Honestly, this place, Maggie. It gets worse all the time.

Yeah, I know. Bart… maybe it’s time to look somewhere else.

Trying to get rid of me?

No, not exactly.

Not exactly?

I just know what you can do and it kills me to see them chip away at you like this. You should go to another station.

Where? WCOL is a Big Channel station and ninety-seven nine’s never going to change their format.

That’s here. What about a bigger market? Madison? Springfield?

Yeah, like a guy who’s worked in Hicksville all his life will get a chance with those stations.

Hicksville? Are you saying I’m a hick? Or you for that matter?

Maggie, you know what I mean. That’s how our town looks to them.

You’re selling yourself short, Bart.

I don’t know about that.

I think we have a lot to talk about tonight. Over a glass of wine. In front of the fire. Snowed in.

Sounds good.

Hello!

Hey, the new guy’s here.

Good. Okay, hurry. I can’t wait. It’s our first sleepover.

See you soon, Mags.

You’re blushing again. I love it!

‘Bye.

(MIKE enters.)

Hey.

Hi! I’m Mike Young.

I kinda figured that.

And you’re Bart Dunwood, I looked you up on the website.

Oh, did you now?

Yeah, it’s so cool to be meeting you. A third generation DJ. We even studied your grandfather Wally in radio class in college. He’s in the state radio hall of fame.

Yeah, yeah, he was a great guy.

I can’t wait to be a DJ at this station, Mr. Dunwood.

It’s just Bart. By the way, your title isn’t DJ, it’s ‘On Air Technician’.

It is?

Yeah, that little zinger came in a memo last week. Let’s start your training. First thing, we’ll order you a shirt. The corporate uniform is the shirt and khaki pants.

Really? Do a lot of people come to the station?

Nope, nobody.

But, we’re radio.

Yep.

Nobody can see us.

Nope.

And we still have to wear that?

Yep. There’s basically only two rules. Wear the uniform, and no dead air. Now, for the training. Listen close or you might miss something. That big silver box is the property of Big Channel Networks, BCN. That’s what provides us the feed.

The feed?

Music, news, the weather. When BCN took over, they ripped out all our equipment, tapes, everything. Now, it’s all automated.

All automated? What do I do?

You make sure the light on the BCN box stays green. If it doesn’t, that red phone will ring and BCN Corporate will walk you through what needs to happen.

But… do I talk?

When there’s local sports scores and things like that, you get to read those. Seeing as how we’re in a blizzard, no sports scores. So, your job is to keep an eye on the green light.

But…

Since you’re new, you get the graveyard shift.

But… I had so many things I wanted to do. I have some great playlists, show ideas.

Yeah. Welcome to the world of modern radio. Now, bathroom’s down the hall to the right, the vending machine is in the break room past that. Any other questions?

Just one. What do people do here, you know at the station?

Maggie, the station manager sells advertising to the locals.

I guess that’s cool.

Is it? Here, listen to this. It’s a new IGA spot we just got in.

(keys commercial – IGA #1)

The more you buy the less you pay

At Middletown

IGA.

Catchy.

Sure, catchy. Here’s Westgate.

The more you buy the less you pay

At Westgate

IGA.

What?

And.

At Greenville

IGA.

Wow.

That’s Maggie’s job. Selling two words to stick into a cookie cutter ad. And our job is to make sure the silver thingy isn’t broken and fill out paperwork for the FCC, and of course read the local sports scores.

That’s it?

That’s it. And, I have to go if I’m going to beat this weather. Good luck, new guy. Have fun with Mr. Silver here.

(BART pats the silver box on the side then starts to exit. The silver box slowly slides then goes crashing to the floor, a heap of wires and gears.)

Tonight expect snow and blowing snow. Snow and blowing snow. Snow… and… wvrrr vrrr vrrrrr..

(BART keeps his back to the carnage.)

Did the silver box just break?

Yep.

Is it bad?

It isn’t good.

(BART turns around to look)

Good gravy. Good gravy Marie.

(He starts trying to pick it up. The red phone rings.)

It’s the red phone.

Yep, the red phone.

Shouldn’t you get it?

No, I’ve got to get this going again.

(The phone keeps ringing.)

Now, if I put this thing here… and this thing here…

It’s still ringing.

I know it’s still ringing. Here, fix it.

I’ll try.

(BART picks up the phone while MIKE looks at the thing, trying to figure anything out.)

Ye… hello. Everything’s under control here, situation normal. We had a slight malfunction, but everything’s perfectly alright now. We’re fine, we’re all fine now, thank you. How are you?

(ACTRESS as MISS CAMERON is on the phone.)

This is Miss Cameron from the BCN Corporate office. I’m calling because we detected an error in the signal coming from WHLO.

What? That’s crazy talk.

You’re still broadcasting?

Oh, sure, sure. It’s all good. Good in the hood.

Hmm. We’re not getting any signal from this direction.

Well… it could be the storm. We’ve got a big one coming in. Snow. Blowing snow. All that.

We’ll send a new unit right away.

Sure, sure. Whatever you want. I can respect that. Yeah.

I’ll phone you back with an update.

Okay, you do that.

(HE hangs up.)

It’s a goner, Bart.

Oof.

(The black phone rings, one of those old-school ones with all the lights. To be clear, any woman character is played by the actress.)

WHLO, Well Hello.

Is that you Bart?

Yeah. Yeah.

It’s me, Judy.

Well hey there, Judy.

Judy Murdock.

Yeah, yeah, I know you, Judy.

Listen, is everything okay over there at the station, because my radio just went over to static.

Yeah. Yeah, we think the wind just hit a wire or something. We’re working on it right now.

Usually there’s an announcement or something if things aren’t working.

Sure. Hang on. (covers phone) Hey, what’s your name again?

Mike.

Mike, get on the mic. Say something.

Gotcha. (jumps to mic) You’ve reached WHLO, Well Hello, and this is Mike Young, you’re newest…um, on air…

(whispered) Technician.

You’re newest on-air technician. We’re experiencing temporary difficulties, but we’ll be back on the air shortly.

(into phone) Did you hear that, Judy?

Yeah. Yeah, I did. Who’s this Mike, fellow, he sounds nice.

Thank you.

Turn off the mic!

Oh, he just said thank you over the radio.

Oops.

And he said oops, isn’t that just the cutest.

It’s off. It’s off now.

Okay, Judy. We’ll uh, keep you posted. Bye (hangs up) We’ve got dead air. How are we going to fill it?

I… I’ve got music.

(MIKE grabs his backpack and pulls out his laptop. He puts it up on the counter.)

Perfect!

Umm… all of my music is online.

Oh, okay! The WiFi name is ‘Wifi’ and the password is ‘password’.

That’s secure. Okay. Okay. (beat) Nothing’s there.

Ah! The internet comes through the silver box, too. So, what does that mean?

It means I have no music. It’s all in the cloud?

All in the cloud? Up there?

Ish. Wait, my phone! I can play off my phone.

Perfect.

I’ve got no signal. No. I do. No, I don’t again. One bar, barely.

Have you got Sprint?

Yeah.

Yeah, they aren’t so good up here. So, your music on your phone is…

In the cloud.

Unfortunately, yes. What about on your phone?

What, this thing?

(He pulls out a Nokia brick phone.)

You still have one of those?

Yep.

They stopped making those in two thousand or something.

True, but it works and the battery lasts about a week. But, to the point, we have no music.

I did see a turntable in the lobby display when I came in.

Turntable! Yes. Go get it. And look for any records. Records are those big black CD’s with grooves in them.

I know what a record is. Vinyl’s making a comeback.

(skeptical) Is it?

No, not really. But, I’ll go see what I can find.

(MIKE dashes back. BART goes to the mic.)

So, hey there Middletown. We’re uh… just having some more technical difficulties here up at the station, but we’re fine otherwise. We’re working on it right now, and should have you some music, shortly.

(RED PHONE rings.)

WHLO.

It’s Miss Cameron from Corporate. Unfortunately, I’ve been informed that we won’t be able to get a repair truck out to you for at least a day, if not longer.

What? A day?

Is that a problem? I thought you said everything was okay on your end.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It is. Everything’s fine here.

I’ll keep you informed of any updates.

Thank you very much. Bye.

(MIKE returns with an old, dusty turntable and one 78.)

So. Turntable. And the only record was the one that was on it. Some old 78 of the Tennessee Waltz, but look at the scratches.

Yow, that’s not gonna work. Check the B side.

The Possum Trot. Do you know it?

Can’t say that I do, but I guess we’re going to find out. Middletown listeners, after that brief pause in our broadcast, coming to you from the distant past, we’re playing, Possum Trot.

(The actors are free to improv a bit here, reacting in their own way to this song. The dialog lines within the song are general suggestions.)

Oh, the possum trot the possum trot,

The beer is cold the girls are hot

If you want fun that’s what they’ve got

Down at the possum trot

Oh I met a gal named Betsy Jean

Bluest eyes I’d ever seen

Asked her to dance she said ‘why not’

Down at the possum trot

Is this really all you could find?

Afraid so.

Oh, the possum trot the possum trot,

I fell so fast ‘cause I’d been caught

By the Perfect girl or so I thought

Down at the possum trot

Well, here’s the ending of the plot

I said ‘I love you’ she did not

Now memories are all I’ve got

Down at the possum trot

(on mic) And that was…

(kazoo chorus)

(off mic) Oh dear…

Oh, The possum trot the possum trot,

The beer is cold the girls are hot

If you want fun that’s what they’ve got

Down at the possum trot

Oh…

(yodeling chorus)

Down at the possum trot

(on mic) So, Possum…

(overlapping) Possum… trot

Oh,

(mic) No.

The possum trot the possum trot,

The beer is cold the girls are hot

If you want fun that’s what they’ve got

Down at the possum trot

Okay then.

You’re kidding me!

Down at the possum trot!

(into mic) Well, that was just… that was something, wasn’t it? I’m thinking it deserves a second listen.

The song so nice, we’ll play it twice.

Right.

I’ll go see what else I can find.

Here we go.

(SOUND CUE: Possum Trot. BART turns down the music just as his cell phone rings.)

Hi Maggie. You heard?

What happened.

The box… broke.

So I gathered.

Maggie, I’m probably not going to make it over to your place.

No, you’re not. When I heard you go off the air, I tried to come back to the station but they already have the gates up at the junction.

Maggie, I’m so sorry.

So am I, but we’ve got bigger fish to fry. Bart, with the Box broken, this isn’t just about dead air. The road conditions aren’t going out, either.

Holy cow, you’re right.

I’ll get started on figuring out something for that. Just… just keep filling the air.

(MIKE enters, pulling a big wooden crate with “Vinny G and the Prairie Hawks” emblazoned on the side.

Found something. Who were Vinny G and the Prairie Hawks?

Oh my gosh! I forgot that was here. The prairie hawks were the house band back when my Grandad worked here at the station.

The house band?

Yeah. Back in the day, they played live music.

Well, take a look.

(MIKE opens the trunk and pulls out a guitar.)

Well, I’ll be. Would you look at this? Instruments, sheet music. Of all the crazy things.

(The black station phone rings.)

WHLO, Hello.

Bart, is that you?

Yeah.

It’s Agnes, over at the county. Maggie gave me a call, said you were having troubles.

Oh. Hi.

Bart, why aren’t you using the list we send in?

What list?

We upload a list of road conditions every fifteen minutes to the internet.

Yeah, well, we don’t have the internet. It broke. We broke the internet.

Oh dear.

Yes, oh dear.

Here. Let me give them to you. County A, Closed.

Hang on, County A closed

County C, closed.

County C…

Four Mile Road…

Agnes, hold on just a minute. Wasn't that a lovely song. WHLO listeners, but I have a special guest. We’ve got Agnes Blankenship from over at the County to let you know about road conditions. Go ahead, Agnes.

Who, me?

Yes, Agnes, you’re on the air.

On the air, do you mean on the radio

Yep.

But, I’ve never been on the radio before.

That’s okay.

One time, I did the class announcements at the elementary school, that was sort of fun.

Well there you go. Agnes, how about you tell all of our listeners about the road conditions out there? You can help us keep them safe.

Oh, of course. Well, first of all, if you can avoid driving, please stay off the road. Rusty, our foreman, will try and have plows working around the clock, but we’re not sure if we’ll be able to keep up with this storm. In terms of road closings, County A, Closed. County C Closed. Four Mile road, closed at the junction. And lastly, the frontage road down by the Riverside Inn is closed. So far, we have no power outages, but we have seen a couple of flickers. Be sure and have candles and flashlights handy, as well as blankets and extra firewood. This is Agnes Blankenship, from the County.

Thank you, Agnes, can we talk to you for more updates? How about quarter past every hour.

Absolutely, Bart. Say, Bart?

Yes, Agnes?

Do you have any other songs than that possum thingie?

We’re looking for something else.

I hope you find something.

So do we, trust me. But, for now, our patient listeners, here is your new favorite-ish, song.

(idea) Hey, kid, do you play?

(BART holds up a guitar.)

Oh, yeah. I used to have a band.

Me too. Yeah, seems like that sort of a rule in radio? DJ’s have to start out as musicians? Do you read music?

Yeah. Some.

Check this out. It’s the old station jingle. This thing was around forever. My Dad even had me sing it on the air sometimes when I was a kid.

Do you think you still can?

It’s like riding a bike, sort of. I’m kinda rusty, but I can manage. I’ll kick it off, you just follow me.

Will do.

(on mic) Enough of that. That was… well, you know what it was.

And now we will take a brief moment for station identification.

(They sing this a little hesitantly, not terrible, but definitely a first effort.)

News and sports, farm reports and the music that you know

The spot on your dial that makes you smile is double-you-H-L-O

Friendly folks, corny jokes and the weekly shopping show

The happiest sound in Middletown is double-you-H-L-O

Well hello

Well hello

Lend an ear and stay right here… with double-you-H-L-O

Well hello

Well hello

And that was the old station jingle, if any of you remember it.

And we’ll do better next time, we promise!

Yes, we will.

(The black phone rings. BART answers.)

Oh look we have a caller. WHLO, Well, Hello, you’re on the air.

Hello, this is Myrna Bradford from over by the lake.

Hi there Myrna, what do you have to say?

I have to say that I have tears in my eyes. I haven’t heard that song in years. It warms my heart.

We thank you, Myrna.

So, what are you doing next?

Yeah. Next. That’s a good question. Do you have any ideas?

Well, after hearing that song, I was hoping you’d be ‘kicking it old-school’ as the kids say. Seems like you’re having problems with the machinery over there. Why don’t you do what they did back in the days before all this computer gobbledy-gook?

Like what?

Well, Bart. Trading time. Call in shows, your Daddy did it, you remember, don’t you?

Sure I do.

Well?

Myrna, I could kiss you.

Don’t take on what you can’t handle young man. Good luck.

Thanks, Myrna. Stay tuned everyone, and get ready to step back in time. But for now, P-O-S-S

U.M. Trot!

(SOUND CUE: Possum Trot.)

Did she say something about Trading Time?

Yep.

Isn’t that the old show where people call in with stuff to trade and all that?

That’s the one.

The one with its own theme song? Looked something like this?

(Holds up sheet music.)

By golly, that’s it.

So, Tradin’ time, how are we going to do this?

I’ll be on the air, you man the phone. Here’s what you do. You answer, talk, and put them on hold. When you’re ready to transfer them over, you pick up the line again and then push this one to put them on the air. Got it?

Yeah, it’s not too different from what we had in college.

Great. And here we go.

(SOUND CUE: End of Possum Trot.)

Okey dokey folks, like Myrna said, old school. And the first thing we have on our list is Tradin’ Time.

Tradin’ time, Tradin’ time, Now it’s time for tradin’ time

Call right in and tell us what you wanna sell or buy

Tradin’ time, Tradin’ time, Now it’s time for tradin’ time

Someone else will help you out so just give it a try

Gotta whosit you can sell?

Gotta whatsit that you need?

Tradin’ time we’ll match you up

And that is guaranteed! Oh,

Tradin’ time, Tradin’ time, Tradin’ time is here!

Call 555-T-R-A-D, 555-8723

So come on, WHLO listeners, give us a call and tell us what you want to sell…

Or buy.

Tradin’ time, Tradin’ time, Tradin’ time is here

Call 555-T-R-A-D, 555-8723

Tra - din’ Time.

(The phones start ringing.)

And here we go.

WHLO, this is Mike, please hold. WHLO, this is Mike, please hold.

(He goes sotto voce as BART talks.)

WHLO listeners, thank you for lighting up the lines. As Mike is screening your calls, let me just refresh you about this. Tradin’ time is Craig’s List, but live. You call in with something to sell, or trade, or looking for something, we connect you with someone and you work it out amongst yourselves. Do we have our first caller?

We sure do.

Hello, are you there?

Yeah, it’s Judy

Oh, hi Judy.

Judy Murdock.

Yeah, we know you, Judy.

Yeah, well. My husband Harvey, he was into woodworking, stuff like that.

Okay?

Made things for the family mostly. Cradles for the grandkids, stuff like that. But one year he read this idea. Take a disk of wood and take the wood burner and put in the letters, T-U-I-T.

Uh huh, yeah, I think I’ve seen those.

Yeah, he’d take one and hand it to someone and say, ‘haven’t you always wanted to get a round ‘tuit’.

Yeah, yeah. Good one.

He’d just laugh and laugh, every time. Never got old for him.

The simple things.

It got old for me. Anyway, after he passed I found a box of those things. I couldn’t bear to toss ‘em, but I’m ready to get rid of them now.

How many do you have?

About five hundred.

Okay, five hundred round tuits are up for grabs folks.

Bart, I’ve got someone on the line right now.

Hello, you’re on the air.

Yeah, this is Jenny from Jake Johnson’s House of Smoke and Meat.

Oh, hey there Jenny. Love your bacon.

Thanks. Listen, tell Judy I’ll take those off her hands. We’ll put ‘em up in a jar on the counter and they’ll sell like hotcakes.

Which are also round.

True, true. Just have her drop ‘em off and we’ll give her half of anything we make.

Look at that folks, the first trade has been accomplished. Who’s next, Mike?

We’ve got someone named Misty.

(BART makes ‘no’ motions.)

Misty from…

(more motions)

What’s wrong?

She’s crazy.

But I already talked to her.

Hang up.

I can’t do that.

Alright, go on.

Misty from Middletown, you’re on the air.

Hello?

Yes, you’re on the air.

Is that you, Bart?

Yep.

Oh, hi Bart.

Hi Misty.

How’ve you been?

Fine.

So… remember when we were in seventh grade together?

Yeah, a couple decades back, I remember.

Remember that one time when…

So, Misty, what do you have to sell?

Sell? Oh, yeah. tradin’ time.

Yes, tradin’ time.

Well, I have a whole collection of National Geographics I’d like to get rid of.

Good luck with that.

They’re high quality. Have you seen the paper they print it on?

Misty, they’re National Geographics!

You don’t have to be so mean, Bart.

Misty, do you have anything else? How about your VHS Collection of every Dr. Who episode, ever.

Is that why you stopped… being friends with me? Dr. Who?

It was seventh grade! (BART hangs up.) Oops, sorry about that. Next caller.

We’ve got Kate on the line.

Yeah, hi, this is Kate.

Hi Kate, what do you have to sell.

Nothing to sell, but I’m very interested in those Dr. Who tapes.

We’ll get you the number, next caller. Hello, are you there?

Yeah, hi. This is Maura. I need some help with my furnace.

Your furnace?

Yeah, yeah. I just moved here this year, I can’t seem to get it to start.

Where are you at, Ma’am?

I’m up past the junction, they’ve closed the road but I’m really worried. It’s just me and the kids here. If anyone could make a way up here, I’ll pay whatever it takes.

Okay, okay. We’ll see what we can do about this.

Bart, I’ve got someone on the line.

Yes, I’m here.

How can we help you ma’am.

Not a girl. This is Bob.

Oh, sorry about that.

It’s okay, happens all the time. Listen, I’ve been in heating and air conditioning all my life. I can’t make it out there, but I can probably talk her through getting that thing going.

We’ll patch you straight over. And, thank you. Who’s next, Mike?

It looks like we have Nate on the line.

Yeah, this is Nate.

What’ve you got Nate?

I don’t have anything. I just want to say that you guys are stupid.

Well, thank you, Nate, for that constructive criticism.

We have Sarah, and this is a special one Bart.

Sarah, are you there?

I’m here. (off phone) Ginny, back up, give her some space.

Yeah, what’ve you got, Sarah?

Ginny, I’m not going to say it again. Dan, get in here! (on phone) Point is, I’ve got puppies for sale. Purebred, one hundred percent. My dog Jessie is a German Shorthair, good hunting dogs.

That’s terrific. How many?

I don’t know.

You don’t know?

No, not yet. They’re coming as we speak. (off phone) Ginny, I mean it! (on phone) Oh, here comes the first one. (off phone) Dan, please, just keep her back or Jessy’s gonna bite her, I swear.

Everything okay there, Sarah?

Yeah, yeah. Just my daughter is very curious… oh, here comes the first one, and it’s a… Come on Jessie, push. Come on. Come on. It’s a… Oh dear.

It’s a what, Sarah? A boy or a girl?

It’s a mutt. Gosh dang it, that little Hussy! (off phone) Dan, I told ya she got out of the fence that night, and the little fella looks just like that rescue dog over at the Freedman’s.

So, how much will you be charging for the pups, Sarah.

Oh, they’ll be free now. Just, give me a call and you can have them in about eight weeks. (off phone) I hope you’re proud of yourself, you tramp!

Well now, isn’t that something. If you end up with one of those little Heinz 57’s, we’ll also give you the number of Marvin's furniture restoration for the chair legs they chew… and, it looks like our hour is just about up, but thanks for dialing into…

(no demo)

Tradin’ time, Tradin’ time, Tradin’ time is done

Call 555-T-R-A-D, 555-8723!

Tra - din’ time.

(end of song.)

Woo hoo. What now?

Yes, what now? Umm…

(station phone rings)

WHLO, Well Hello.

This is Agnes from the county. It’s quarter past.

Right. (off mic) Mike, I’ve got an idea.

What’s that?

Work with me.

Can do.

We have Agnes Blankenship from the County, and we’ve got…

Road closings. Road closings.

Weather update, temper’ture, and road closings.

It’s no time to roam. This is quite a storm

So it’s best you get on home where you’ll be safe and warm.

Now you, Agnes.

Oh… okay.

Highway Twen - ty’s O - pen, But just to where it splits

Once you get to County B, It’s time to call it quits

Road closings, [Boys: Road closings] Road closings, [Road closings]

Weather update, temper’ture and

Road closings

At the underpass of Highway Q, There’’s two feet on the ground.

If you ask me what to do, I’d say, just turn around

Twenty-six degrees, But the windchill feels like five.

Stay in-side until this passes if you want to stay a-live

Road closings, [Boys: Road closings] Road closings, [Road closings]

Weather update, temper’ture and

Road closings

As for weather, hate to say it, Things have gotten worse. Talked to

Rusty on the plow, And, boy that man curse.

Drifts are up to seven feet, and they’re growing fast [ahh]

Weather service doesn’t know how long this storm will last [long this storm will last.]

Road Closings Road Closings

Weather update, temper’ture and road closings

Weather update, temper’ture and

Road closings

Well, thank you, Agnes. Thank you very much.

My pleasure.

Talk to you in an hour.

You betcha. This is Agnes Blankenship, from the County.

And now… everybody’s favorite tune of the blizzard, Possum Trot.

(SOUND CUE: Possum Trot opening.)

(BART’s cell phone rings.)

Oh, hi Maggie. Here, putting you on speaker.

Oh, okay.

Say hi to Mike, the new kid.

Hi Mike. You’re doing great for your first day.

Thanks.

Boys, it is really important that you keep filling the air.

Yeah, yeah. Rule number two, after the lovely shirt.

No, guys. You’re the only game in town. WCOL doesn’t have anyone there. They’ve got the national feed, just playing music like nothing is happening. 97.9 just lost their power. People need something to listen to. It can’t be silence and if I hear that possum song more than once an hour I won’t just tune out, I might smash the radio. You need to fill the air. Constantly. What else have you got?

We could read a book. The early radio stations read books and Shakespeare and whatever to fill time.

Great. Go check the break room.

He won’t find any.

What?

Nobody had touched those in ages. I donated them to the library for their book sale.

So, no books.

Well, there’s one.

Where?

I keep it in my desk drawer.

Okey doke. I’ll get it. (HE exits.)

No… I don’t think…

He’s already gone.

Oh dear. So, Mike, how are you liking your first day?

It’s… different.

Yeah, you came on an auspicious occasion, that’s for sure.

(BART returns.)

I found the book.

Now, Bart.

“Captain’s Captive” a tale of forbidden love on the seven seas.

Bart.

What? Lemme see.

I really don’t think we can read this on the air.

‘They said she was untamable. He tamed her. They said he was uncatchable, she caught him. A pirate with a heart of gold, a lady who was much too bold’

I didn’t say you should read it. I said it was the only book in the station.

How about we save it for when we’re really desperate.

That’s what I do.

What was that?

Guys! Music’s ending.

Right. Gotta go, Maggie. Time for station identification.

Oh, fun! Hey, I had that memorized when I was a kid. Can I join in?

Why not.

(on mic) WHLO Listeners, please excuse us for a brief station identification.

We have to do it. It’s the law.

(Perhaps BART pulls out a new instrument.)

If we must.

(It goes better this time.)

News and sports, farm reports and the music that you know

The spot on your dial that makes you smile is double-you-H-L-O

Friendly folks, corny jokes and the weekly shopping show

The happiest sound in Middletown is double-you-H-L-O

Well hello

Well hello

Lend an ear and stay right here… with double-you-H-L-O

Well hello

Well hello

(whispered into phone) Gotta go, Maggie.

(whispered) Okay… that was fun!

(Off mic) I’ve got an idea

What is it?

Just… just follow me.

If you say so.

Well here we are.

Outside it’s snow

But we will keep on talking to you. We’ve

got no place to go. Just me and Bart

Just Bart and me. But

stick around, oh yes, stay tuned,

We’ll sing a song or three.

We’ll croon a tune, oh yes we will, But only ‘cause we have to

(spoken) Bart?

Uh… we’ll tell a joke about the chill.

We hope that you will laugh, too.

Go on.

Okay.

Well here we are (here we are)

And yes we care (yes we care)

And we’ve got a job to do

And that’s called filling the air!

Filling the air, Filling the air

Nothing worse than radio silence

Could it happen

Wouldn’t dare. So if you folks are willin’

We’ll just keep on fillin’

Filling the, filling the, filling the, filling the air

Bart, this is terrible, just terrible.

What happened?

I lost my mood ring. I’ve had it since fifth grade.

Oh man, you must be devastated.

Honestly, I don’t know how to feel.

Forgive him folks, he’s new.

Filling the air, Filling the air

Nothing worse than radio silence

Could it happen

Wouldn’t dare. So if you folks are willin’

We’ll just keep on fillin’

Filling the, filling the, filling the, filling the air

So, this man just walks up, lifts up our gate, and takes it away, right in front of my father. I came out and asked Dad why he didn’t stop him.

What did he say?

He told me, ‘He already took a gate. I was afraid if I said anything, he might take a fence.’

Forgive him folks… he’s been here too long.

Filling the air, Filling the air

Nothing worse than radio silence

Could it happen

Wouldn’t dare. So if you folks are willin’

We’ll just keep on fillin’

Filling the, filling the, filling the, filling the air

So, this fella, older guy. He goes to the doctor and he says ‘Doc, I’m worried about my wife, I think she’s losing her hearing, but I’m not sure how to bring it up without making her upset.

Uh huh.

So, the doc says, here’s what you do. When her back’s turned to you, ask her a question in a normal voice from say, 10 feet away. If she doesn’t say anything, move closer, then, right up behind her.

Okay?

So, that night, the wife’s cooking dinner, standing at the counter. The fella stands ten feet away and says, “Hey, honey, what’s for dinner.” Nothing.

Sure, sure.

He moves to five feet away, asks again. Nothing. Then, he stands right behind her. “Hey, honey, what’s for dinner?”

And what happens?

Well, the wife says, “For the third time! Roast Beef, potatoes, and a spinach salad!!!”

So there you are (so there you are)

Stuck in your home (stuck in your home)

But we will keep on talking to you Because we sure can’t roam

So stay dialed in (stay dialed in)

Oh yes stay tuned (yeah, stay tuned)

Oh yeah we’ll keep on talking to you

Until the month of June

June? Really?

It rhymed.

True. You don’t really think this will last until June, do you?

Nah. Maybe April.

Yow.

Fillin’ the air, Fillin’ the air

Nothing worse than radio si-lence

Could it hap-pen

Wouldn’t dare

day and night we’ll keep on talkin’

So your wireless keeps on squawkin’

Well this is kind of thrillin’

So you folks just keep on chillin’ While we’re

Fil-lin’ the fil-llin the fil-lin’ the fil-lin’ the

Fil-lin’ the fil-llin the

Fil - lin’ the air!

Ya - hoo!

Bart, we have definitely filled the air.

Indeed we have.

Tell you what, if you want a break, I can take it a little while?

Possum Trot?

No, no, I think I’ll spare the… umm… I’ll give the listeners a little break from that old chestnut. I’m thinking just a little instrumental interlude.

Good plan. (soft radio voice) And now, gentle listeners, you’re going to be treated to the musical stylings of our very own Mike Young.

I thank you. Folks, this is a little improvisational piece I like to call “Winter Interlude’.

(MIKE plays an instrumental variation of the old Station Jingle, more soft and thoughtful. BART dials his phone. MAGGIE’s phone rings. As MAGGIE and BART speak, BART opens a couple of cupboards or benches and starts finding old items. Older on-air sign, BAND posters. Pictures of the on-air staff, etc.)

Hey, you.

Hiya Maggie. How are you hanging in there?

Oh, fine, there’s this great radio station that’s keeping me company.

Oh, is there now?

Uh huh. How about you? How are you doing?

Great. Better than I’ve been in a while, to tell the truth.

Yeah, I get that.

You know what I’m going to do?

What’s that?

I’m going to put up some of the old stuff from the station. When BCN came in and did the re-do, they were going to throw it all out, but I managed to squirrel a lot of it away here and there. I just figure, if I’m going to be kicking it old school, as Myrna says, I might as well make the station look the part.

I like that. When the weather clears, I can’t wait to see it…and you.

Yeah, me too. Talk soon, Maggie.

Talk soon.

(MIKE plays out the song. BART places the old station logo in the perfect place on the set on the last note.)

Thank you for that, Mike. It is coming up on a quarter past the hour.

A quarter past. Time’s flying.

Indeed. (phone rings) And, there’s our usual caller. Put her on, Mike.

WHLO, well hello. Hi Agnes.

This isn’t Agnes, it’s Barb Gibson, and I’m not happy. Everybody I know is listening to your channel. It’s the only thing interesting going on in the county.

Then what’s the problem?

The problem is, I want my money back.

Your money back?

I paid money for radio commercials on your station for our company, Gibson’s plumbing, and I haven’t heard a single one.

(BART jumps on the other mic)

Well, Barb, those ads aren’t available to us right now, the… thing’s broken.

Not my problem. I paid for three ads a day and if I don’t hear three ads a day, I expect a refund check next week.

We understand, Barb, and we are so sorry. Here at WHLO we like to take care of our advertisers. We’ll come up with something.

Well, you better. Goodbye.

(She hangs up, PHONE rings.)

Now, I believe that would be Agnes, from the County.

Yep, it’s me, boys.

(no track)

Road closings. Road closings.

Weather update, temper’ture, and road closings.

Drifts are up_ to six_ feet, and block most ev - ery road (ahh)

Rusty says_ he’s out_ of plac-es where to dump his load [music stops.]

You know… that didn’t come out quite right.

No, no it didn’t.

It’s just… sometimes there’s a lot of blockage

Yeah, Agnes.

Things build up and you can only make the piles so high.

Agnes.

Yeah.

We should just let this one go.

Okey doke.

Road Closings

Road Closings

Weather update, temper’ture and road closings

Weather update, temper’ture and

[mando]

Road closings

(end of song)

Talk to you boys in an hour. This is Agnes Blankenship, from the County.

Thanks Agnes. Say, Mike?

Yes, Bart?

Have you ever had a problem with your plumbing?

Well, that’s a little personal, Bart.

No, not that kind of plumbing… with your house pipes.

You know, as a matter of fact, I have.

So have I, and when I do, there’s only one place I think about calling.

When the water’s coming

Up through your basement pipes

Just call Gibson’s plumbing And they will end your // gripes

So come on take the plunge today

Gibson’s makes it all okay

Gibson’s plumbing (MIKE: Take it home!)

Gibson’s plumbing.

(phone rings.)

WHLO, Well Hello you’re on the air.

This is Barb Gibson.

Oh, heya Barb. What did you think?

Hated it.

Oh, we’re so sorry to hear that.

I’ll credit you for one commercial, but you owe me two more and I expect the next one to be better.

We’ll do our best.

‘Bye.

So then…

So then…

Next on the docket.

Next up.

Possum Trot.

(The guys sing along.)

Oh, the possum trot

The possum trot

(Music out, BART’S phone rings, he puts it on speaker.)

Heya Maggie. How are we doing?

You’re doing great. However, Barb isn’t the only one who called.

Oh?

No, Dewey called, too. He’s pretty insistent that he get an ad during all of this.

That definitely makes sense.

And Lollipop’s day care called. Dorene loves what you’re doing and she really wants to hear one of her own. So, get cracking.

Okay, okay. Got it.

Bye, guys.

So, ads. Dewey has a plow, and the day care place.

I’ll work on the day care, you do the plow.

Sounds good.

(They scribble furiously.)

Got a little while. (keeps scribbling). That song has got to be the ultimate B-side.

(also scribbling) Yeah, There’s no way that anyone actually ever paid money for that.

No way. How’s yours coming along.

Pretty good. How about yours?

Need just a little more time.

Cool, cool. I am… done.

Impressive.

Well, we’ll see.

Okay, okay. Mine’s ready, too.

Perfect timing.

Here we go.

Here we go. Here’s some copy, just follow me.

Got it.

(on air.)

And that was Possum Trot. Again.

Nothing like a little marsupial music.

Yes, indeed.

Hey Bart, do you know what I like about blizzards?

What’s that, Mike?

Snow days. Heck, a storm this big, nobody has to go to work or anything, but once the snow is cleared, it’s

Back to work.

But what if you have kids?

Well now…

[Brushes 2 bars] C7 2 bars

Mama’s gotta work. Daddy’s gotta too

But you got a kid. Whatcha gonna do?

Lol-li-pops.

Oo, Lol-li-pops.

Mom’s and Pops choose Lollipops, Lollipops Day Care

River side of town, Convenient as can be

Lollipops is there, right off Highway G

Lol-li-pops.

Oo, Lol-li-pops.

Mom’s and Pops choose Lollipops, Lollipops Day Care

Moms and Pops choose lollipops

Lollipops Day Care

Give ‘em a call!

Bart, how are you hanging in there.

Well, I’m plumb worn out.

Plumb? That reminds me of plumbing.

Plumbing, yeah, and when I think of plumbing, there’s only one place I trust.

(This starts to the tune of Frere Jacques, then takes off from there.)

Plumbing, plumbing. Plumbing Plumbing.

Plumbing Plumbing. Plumbing Plumbing.

Showers and Drains. Showers and Drains.

Showers and Drains. Showers and Drains.

Gibson’s comes to fix ya, Gibsons’ comes to fix ya

Gibson’s comes to fix ya, Gibsons’ comes to fix ya

Pipes maintained. Pipes maintained

Pipes maintained. Pipes maintained

(phone rings)

WHLO, Well Hello, you’re on the air.

It’s Barb.

And?

Not original. That Lollipops one was way better. Try again.

We’ll keep on trying, Barb.

‘Bye.

Hey, Mike. You know, I’ve been thinking about after this storm.

Yeah? You planning on going sledding?

I wish. No, before I go sledding, I’ve gotta do some shoveling.

Oh, yeah. Shoveling. Sidewalk, driveways, and that’s a lot of work.

It sure is, but you know, there’s an alternative.

There is?

You know it.

Well, we’re Dewey’s Snow Removal

We need you folks’ approval

To bring a plow or shoovel

And remove it for you.

When the blizzard’s finally passed

We’ll get to you real fast

And our mighty snow blowers

Will blast on through. Oh,

Dewey Dewey Dewey do we care for you?

Dewey Dewey Dewey Dewey yes, we do.

So call us right up,

And say it loud,

“Hey Dewey’s, we wanna get // plowed!"

Hey Mike, why shouldn’t you play poker with a plumber?

I don’t know, Bart, why shouldn’t you play poker with a plumber.

Because they always have a good flush.

Ah. Hey Bart, did you hear that someone actually stole the toilet from the police station?

What? Did they find who did it?

Sadly, no. The officers had nothing to go on.

Anywho.

Aaanywho.

Now then, Barb, if you’re out there listening, we’re going to take one more whack at it.

If you’re waterlogged

Your drain is clogged

Or your faucet’s just plain stuck

No, you’re not out of luck, call Gibson’s //

When you overload That old commode

And the fragrance tears your eyes

We think you would be wise, to call Gibson’s

Look for the shiny Gib-son’s van

Just one visit, you’ll say, “Man,’

Nobody “can” like Gibson’s // “can”

Gib-son’s Plumbing

G-I-B-

plus S-O-N

Gib-son’s Plumbing!

Call 555-9935.

How’s that, Barb?

(Phone rings.) WHLO, Well Hello. Hello Barb.

Yeah! Not Barb, it’s Nate, and that…was stupid.

(phone hangs up, station phone rings.)

WHLO, please say this is Barb.

Yeah. It’s Barb. I heard it.

And?

I love it. Record it. Play it every day. ‘Bye

And another satisfied customer of WHLO.

Possum Trot?

Possum trot.

(SOUND CUE: Possum Trot.)

We’re doin’ it.

We sure are. Look at that, it’s after 1:00 in the morning.

Wow! Time flies when you’ve broken the silver box.

It sure does.

Hey, are you hungry?

Starving.

Here’s the key to the vending machine. Only to be used in an emergency. I’d say this qualifies, wouldn’t you?

Oh, yeah. I’ll bring some stuff back for you.

(BART’s cell phone rings.)

Hi Maggie!

Hey, you.

What’ve you been up to?

Oh my gosh, Bart, I’ve been on the phone all night. Lollipops, Deweys, they loved the ads, and I’ve gotten about thirty calls for new business. Jake Jensen’s is at the top of the list.

What do you know? I’ll sketch it out.

I think we’re onto something here. You should do more of these.

Yeah, like BCN would let us.

You never know.

Hmm (non-committal).

Switching topics. T-Mobile is down and Comcast is out. And, you guys need to figure out how to take things in shifts or something so you each can get some shut-eye.

We’re doing okay.

The way this storm’s going, you could be there another day. You can’t go on forever without some sort of rest.

Yeah, you’re right. I’ll think of something.

Okay. Take care, talk to you in the morning.

Sweet dreams.

(MIKE comes in with limited supplies.)

Hey, WHLO listeners, I have some news to report. T-Mobile service is officially out and… duh-duh-duh! Spectrum is out. That means no TV and no Internet. What will you do?

No internet. What does such a world look like?

(The black phone starts ringing.)

Oh, one fifteen! Hurry.

(They scramble for instruments. Maybe one of them uses the bag of Cheetos as a shaker.)

Yeah… hi Agnes.

Hi Boys.

(no track)

Road closings. Road closings.

Weather update, temper’ture, and road closings.

Drifts are up to nine feet, and Rusty sure has tried (ahh)

Un-til this stops the roads are closed, the plows are all inside

Road Closings

Road Closings

Weather update, temper’ture and road closings

Weather update, temper’ture and

[mando]

Road closings

(The song ends.)

Well fellas, they’re saying this isn’t going to blow out until tomorrow some time, there’s not much I can tell you except that the roads are closed until further notice.

Thanks very much Agnes.

Now I’m going to get some shut-eye. This is Agnes Blankenship, from the County.

Goodnight. Hey! Anybody who’s still up. It’s time for “What will Mike and Bart Eat?” What did you find in our venerable vending machine, Mike?

So, here’s what I got.

Where’s the rest?

This is the rest.

You’re kidding.

The schedule on the machine says it’s supposed to be refilled in two days, this is all that’s left.

Oh well, what do we have?

One bag of Cheetos. One Snickers bar. One packet of juicy fruit, one box of lemon-heads, one diet coke, and…

Oh, no. You didn’t.

Didn’t what?

You got ‘the Twinkie’.

‘The’ Twinkie?

Oh yeah, that’s been there since they brought the machine. Let’s take a look. Yep, I can’t even read it because the numbers are faded, but the expiration date is 1990 something. We’ll save that for later, shall we?

Agreed. (yawns) Whoo, I don’t know about you WHLO listeners, but I’m fading... but we’ll try to stay on air for you through the night.

Don’t worry, Mike. I have a plan.

You do?

(picks up the station phone) I do. Middletown, please forgive me in advance.

What are you doing?

You’ll see. (dials)

Who are you calling at this time of night? Nobody will be up.

I know one person.

(PHONE ringing.)

Hello?

Hi, Misty, it’s Bart.

Oh, Hello Bart. Do you remember back in seventh grade when…

Hey, Misty. I was thinking that I really don’t know enough about Doctor Who. None of us do, really. Except for you.

Really?

Yeah, why don’t you tell us all about it.

Well, you know Bart, as a matter of fact, I actually have a song for this very occasion.

You don’t say.

I do say.

Lay it on us, Misty.

My pleasure.

(She pulls out a ukulele, autoharp, or some such instrument.)

(track isn’t necessarily accurate)

Bm 4bars

Back in November of Sixty-three Doctor Who got his first start

The name of the Actor was William Hartnell. He was the first in the Part

(spoken) Episode 1

We see a phone booth outside a house But don’t know what it can do

An Unearthly Child is the episode’s name And soon we meet Dr. Who…

Doctor Who Doctor Who

Oh Who is the Doctor you ask

A Time Lord, a Warrior, Who fought the Daleks

The Doctor was up to the task

(spoken) Episode 2, the Cave of Skulls

Two teacher’s discover the Tardis and then, the Doctor gets angry and they

. Bm Em Bm Em Bm

Get whisked to the stone age, are captured, oh No! They’re locked in a cave on that day

Dr. Who Dr. Who

Now who is the Doctor to you

A best friend, com-pan-ion Who fought the Daleks

The Doctor will always be true

(spoken) Episode 3, the Forest of Fear

An old woman says she well let them all go, but they must also conspire

. Bm Em Bm Em Bm

To leave and not come back, go back to their home. And also they cannot make fire

Dr. Who Dr. Who

Now who is the Doctor to you There’s always a Doctor who has a companion

Together they triumph in fighting the Daleks

The Doctor will always be true

(Lights fade down on Misty as she also fades in volume and ukes us into intermission.)

(end of Act 1)

(We hear music. Possibly Misty comes on, strumming from off stage, lights come up on her.)

(spoken) Series 10, Episode 12. “The Doctor Falls” Listed by some as episode 275b or also episode number eight hundred and thirty-nine.

The doctor’s aboard the colony ship, The Cybermen instigate fear

. Bm Em Bm Em Bm

But Bill saves his life, by the way Bill’s a girl. The Event Horizon Draws Near

The Cybermen come and the doctor is there, the flames come and he starts to die

. Bm Em Bm Em Bm

He starts to regenerate, but doesn’t want to. The end of the Doctor is Nigh

And as he is fading, the ghost of his first incarnation is there

. Bm Em Bm Em Bm

Now will it start over, we don’t really know. Oh where are you doctor… Oh where!

Dr. Who Dr. Who

Now who is the Doctor to you

From Hartnell to Troughton to Pertwee to Baker Then Davison, Baker and Yes, David Tenant

Then we go from Smith on to Peter Capaldi Now spoiler alert, oh yes this is a shocker

The next incarnation of our favorite doctor Will not be a man, oh no this is exciting

A woman will throw down and do all the fighting

(spoken)

Yes! Yes! Yes! (gathers herself) Anyway, Jodee Whitaker will be the next doctor. And that is just amazing. So…

Dr. Who Dr. Who

Will never be going away

No He___ or She she she she will

Never… no, never be going away (big finish)

(a bit of a pause)

Bart, are you there?

What? What!? Oh. Oh yes.

Can you believe it’s morning already?

Is it?

Uh huh, it’s almost seven. I’ve never stayed up the whole night with a man before.

Yeah. (nudges Mike) Wake up.

It’s bigger on the inside! Oh, hello. Good morning.

You’re on the air. So. Misty, it’s been great hearing you tell us about the Doctor… for almost six hours.

I’m glad you enjoyed it. For my next number, I have the Saga of the Daleks, set to the tune of Hotel California.

Sadly, we will have to pick this up another time.

But…

Hey Misty, Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Doctor.

Doctor Who?

Exactly.

(beat) Dr. Who. Doctor Who! Doctor! Who! (she starts laughing, slowly, and builds up to a hysterical, probably snorting laugh.) (kind of off mic) Mom! Mom! Knock knock!

Talk to you soon, Misty.

(Hangs up.)

(to Mike) Well done. (on mic) Gooooooooddd Morning Middletown.

Good morning.

Wakey Wakey.

Eggs and Bakey.

Mmm… bacon.

Bacon.

(Guitars/Instruments start playing.)

So, Mike, you’re new here, but if you want good bacon, or other meat-related products, there’s only one place to go.

Oh really, and where’s that?

Jake Jensen’s House of Smoke and Meat

Sausage and Bacon, too

Whenever I run out I drive down to the south Straight to

Jake Jensen’s house of Smoke and Meat

La la la la la la la la

That good, huh?

You have no idea.

And we have to do this now? When our next meal comes from a vending machine.

I’m afraid so.

Well, you gotta do what ya gotta do. But Curse you Jake!

Jake Jensen’s House of smoke and meat

Turkey and Jerky too

The flavors in my mouth Will make me drive down south Straight to

Jake Jensen’s House of Smoke and Meat

La la la la la la la la

Jake Jensen’s House of Smoke and Meat

Smoked Ham, Made just for you!

The Bratwurst makes me shout Hey! Bring the Sauerkraut Down at

Jake Jensen’s House of Smoke and Meat

La la la la la la la la

E

And they’ve also got…

Cheese, glorious cheese

Smoked Gouda and Muenster…

Down at Jake Jensen’s house of Smoke and

Jake Jensen’s house of Smoke and

Jake Jensen’s house of Smoke and

Bart: Meat.

Mike: Meat Meat Meat. Meat Meat Meat Meat Meat

Bart: Bring home the bacon!

Meat

Middletown, it’s a brand-new day, and what better way to start than by paying a visit to our favorite spot?

I think I know what you’re talking about.

Where the beer is cold?

And the girls are hot.

Possum Trot.

I’m going to take a trip down the hall.

(BART’s cell phone rings.)

Good morning, Maggie.

Good morning. (seductively) What are you wearing?

Khaki’s and an atrociously ugly BCN polo.

You’re no fun. But, you know, speaking of BCN, or more like…anti-BCN, Bart. I woke up with the biggest smile on my face, thinking about the stuff you were doing yesterday.

Yeah, it was fun.

Bart, it was more than fun, it was brilliant.

Yeah, well, the new kid has some good chops, that’s for sure.

No Bart, I’m talking about you. If we had five minutes of yesterday on a reel you’d have job offers at stations in any market, big or small.

Yeah… wishful thinking, Mags.

Hmmm. Hey, some news. The communications keep on falling. At&T Wireless is out now.

Whew, good thing you’re on Verizon.

Yeah.

Any other news?

Well, the power is holding on, not sure how.

There’s something. Hey Mags, the song’s about to wind down.

Okay, go get ‘em.

(on mic) Hoo boy, nothing like a little Possum Trot to wake you up, huh Mike.

Well, it certainly gets your attention.

But now, it is time to kill some time. You up for it, Mike?

Absotively.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

(spoken) Can you do that?

I believe I can. (picks up the beat)

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

So far we have filled the air

We’ve got to here, we’ve come from there

And now we’re down to sim-ply killing time___

Thanks for sticking round with us

We hope you didn’t mind_ the fuss

But now we’re filling, simply killing__ time

New day, means new shows. And, first on the list, guess the lemonheads.

Yes, WHLO listeners… we have a box. Whoever guesses how many lemonheads are inside wins.

What’s first prize, Mike.

One week in Algoma, Wisconsin.

Nice, what’s second prize?

Two weeks in Algoma, Wisconsin.

I see... well, call in quick, the number of lemonheads will soon be going down.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Look at that it’s almost noon

And now we’ll play the possum tune

Sorry for the way we’re killing time

You’re listening in to Well Hello

And we’ve still got a while_ to go

So we’ll keep on fil-ling, kil-ling__ time

The second hand ticks. The minute hand tocks.

Here we are snowbound. watching the clocks

Enjoyin’ all the hours drift-in’ by

WHLO listeners, I’ve just learned that our new DJ, Mike, has a hidden talent.

I do?

Right now, live on the air, he is going to juggle dangerous objects, just for you. Isn’t that right, Mike?

I’ll do my best.

First object. A bowling ball.

Bowling ball, got it.

Now, a machete.

Machete. Okay.

And a mountain lion cub.

Where did you get that?

Not important. Here we go. Bowling ball.

Whump. Whump. Whump.

That looks heavy.

A little.

Machete.

Whump. Wfshshh. Whump. Wfshssh.

Doing good, and now… mountain lion cub.

Whump. Wfshshh. Mrawrrr. Whump. Wfshshh. Mrawrrr.

I’ll tell you, that little guy doesn’t seem to be too happy. Careful there. The fur is really flying now.

Whump… Wfsshshs… Mrawwwwwwwwwrrrrrrrrrr!!!

Look out, look out. Oohh, the bowling ball!

(slam) My toe.

The machete!

My arm!

The cub!

Mraawwwrrrrrrrrr! My eye. My favorite eye. Mrawwwr! He got away.

Need a Band-Aid, Mike?

It’s only a flesh wound.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Now we’re winding down the song

We hope it ain’t gone on too long

A-pologies for all this ki-llin’ time (killing time)

We promise we’ll be mov – in’ on

And when this melody_ is gone

We’ll find a dif-frent way_ of kil-lin___ time

Ki-llin’___ time.

Ki-llin’___ time.

tick, tock, tick, tock, tick

(end of song)

(station phone rings)

WHLO, you’re on the air.

Hello, it’s Myrna Bradford from over by the lake. I wanted to ask you, where’s that new fella from?

Who, me?

Yes, Mike, right?

Well, I was originally…

Hold on there, Mike, hold on. Not so fast. We don’t give out information so easily. This could fill air time. Game show music, please Mike?

(MIKE plays a quick riff.)

It’s time for… ‘Where is Mike from!’ The winner gets a custom answering machine message by the two of us. Myrna, since you asked the question, you get to guess first?

Hmm, he seems like a sensible fella, so I’m guessing Maine.

No, I’m afraid not.

Oh, poop.

Mike, was she hot or cold?

Pretty cold.

Just like Maine. Next caller.

Yeah, I think he’s from the town Simpleton in the State of Idiot, because he’s stupid.

Thank you, Nate. Always a pleasure. Next caller.

Yeah. It’s Judy.

Hi Judy.

Judy Murdock.

Yeah. What’s your guess Judy?

Well, he sounds sort of exotic.

He does?

I do?

Yeah, yeah. I’m going to guess… Hawaii.

No, not Hawaii. Colder.

Next Caller.

Yeah, hi.

What’s your guess, ma’am?

It’s Bob. But, this Mike sounds like my cousin Jerry.

Does he now? And where’s this Jerry from?

St. Louis, so that’s my guess.

Mike?

No, not St. Louis, but definitely warmer.

Good guess, Ma’am.

Still not a girl.

Hello, next caller, you’re on.

Yeah, hi, it’s Misty.

Hi Misty.

I still have those National Geographics.

Okay, Misty.

Hey Bart, do you remember in seventh grade when…

On to the subject at hand. What’s your guess about where Mike’s from.

Right. So, here’s my logic. Something about Mike reminds me of the actor Bruno Langley who was on Dr. Who starting in 2005.

Oh, yeah yeah. Episode 926, wasn’t it?

247, actually. So, his character works in this sort of museum of alien artifacts in Utah?

So, you’re guessing Utah?

Of course not. No, the thing is, the character’s name is Adam Mitchell. So I thought Adam, then Adam’s Ribs. Then, I thought Ribs, which of course made me think of Kansas City.

Of course it did.

Yeah, so that’s my guess, Kansas City.

(MIKE looks gobsmacked.)

Are you Mike? Are you from Kansas City?

I absolutely am.

Woohoo. Do you think you two could sound like Daleks on my answering machine?

(robotic voice) Like a Dalek. We could do that.

Oh my gosh, that’s amazing! Mike, you are so talented.

Congrats to Misty, our winner of ‘Where is Mike From’. Kansas City, Mike? Tell me, is everything really up to date there?

Truth is, they’ve gone about as far as they can go.

I see.

Well Bart, what a day. After all that killing time, it is six-thirty PM and the storm is just now slowing down.

Yes, it is. And we are down to half a bag of Cheetos, and the twinkie.

The twinkie.

The… twinkie. Alrighty then, Let’s leave it up to the listeners. Cheetos or the twinkie, let’s take a poll. Just call on in. (to Mike) Hey, can I take a quick break?

Go on. I’ve got this.

(Station phone starts ringing.)

WHLO, Well Hello. What should Bart and Mike Eat?

This is Myrna from over by the lake. You know, my grandmother used to make the best sponge cake.

Yeah, Myrna, I’m pretty sure this won’t be quite the same thing.

Yes, but still, I say the twinkie.

Okay. Well Hello.

This is Judy.

Yeah, hi Judy Murdock.

Judy Murdock. I vote Cheetos.

Thank you, Judy. WHLO.

This is Barb Gibson.

Heya Barb.

Eat the Twinkie.

Okay, sure. WHLO.

Oh, hi Mike.

Hi Misty.

You remembered me.

I did. (hushed) Hey Misty, can you tell me. What did happen in seventh grade?

(Off stage, sound of a toilet flush.)

(off stage) What!

Well, now, in seventh grade, that was during the era of the fifth Doctor, portrayed by Peter Davison. So, the first episode of that season was “Arc of Infinity” directed by…

No, no Misty, what happened between you and Bart.

Oh, that.

(BART, panicked, appears in the door.)

(off mic) I thought you were my friend.

Well, we had a Sadie Hawkins dance at school and I asked three boys. The other two said I was weird, but Bart said yes, and we went, and he… he was just super sweet. I’ll always treasure that memory…even though we later proved to be incompatible.

Well, that is just… really, really nice. Well done, Bart.

(on mic) Yeah, well.

On topic, though, what should we eat, Misty?

Are the Cheetos crunchy or puffy?

Umm, crunchy.

Oh, then definitely those.

Thanks Misty. WHLO.

The Twinkie.

Thanks Ma’am.

Not a girl.

Sorry Bob. WHLO.

This is Agnes Blankenship, from the County.

Oh, hey Agnes. Do you have something to report?

What? Oh, no, roads are still closed. I just vote twinkie.

Thanks Agnes. WHLO. Cheetos or Twinkie?

Neither. Why don’t you have some ribs, Kansas City boy? Nice, juicy. Covered in sauce.

Because we don’t have any, Nate.

You don’t? Well, I do. I’m eating them right now. Mmm… so tasty. You know why you don’t have any other food? Because you’re stupid.

Now listen here, kid.

Easy there, Mike. Let it go. What’s the tally?

Well, we’ve got five for the twinkie, two for the Cheetos...

And one for ribs. Okay. Twinkie it is. You cut it up, I’ll do the play by play. (hushed golf announcer voice) Here we are folks, this is something you rarely see, the opening of a vintage Hostess confection, circa the Bill Clinton Administration. Mike Young examines it, the snack cake approaches his nose. He inhales gently… he is… not disgusted. Now he retrieves some form of plastic cutlery. He begins cutting lengthwise and yes, yes, there is some sort of cream… ish. Filling

Here you go.

We’re lifting it to our mouths… slowly… slowly. We are taking the final, possibly fatal step of consumption. (tastes) Hey, WHLO listeners, this is actually good!

Really, really good!

Mmf.

Mmm.

(The twinky is gone.)

Surprisingly tasty and equally unfulfilling.

Hey, you know something, Mike, if my calculations are correct, we’ve gone a full six hours without playing the Possum Trot.

That’s pretty good. How should we celebrate?

How about with, the Possum Trot?

Great idea, let’s just give it a little polish. Dust off the old classic. I’ve got it right here. Oops.

(He holds it up, polishes it, then drops it. He holds up two halves of the record.)

Oh dear.

I’m so sorry.

Are you really?

Truthfully? Not so much.

WHLO listeners, I have some sad news, about the passing of a friend.

An old… dear… no, not dear. A familiar friend.

Yes, Mike has just broken our record. Our one and only record. Possum Trot. We knew ye’ well.

A bit too well.

No longer will the beer be cold. Nor, the girls hot. Not at our favorite spot.

At least not at the Trot of the Possum.

(Mike starts playing taps.)

(speak this) The possum trot. The possum trot. That’s one record, we ain’t got. Farewell, old 78. Please join us in a moment of silence.

Beautifully said, Bart.

Thank you, Mike. And now it is just us. Yep, we will be the only thing you’ll be hearing. We’re doing this bare naked, so-to-speak.

Hey, I like that. Bart. We’ve got a secret, don’t we?

(on mic) Yes, we do. (off mic) We do?

(off mic) Just play along.

If you say so.

We are at the station. You are listening over ‘thar’

Though it’s a great big nation, Our signal doesn’t get too far

here behind the microphone You can’t see the things we do. We

take off every stitch we own. Oh look, we’re na-ked, how ‘bout you

Na-ked radio

Na-ked radio

Standing here without no clothes

Are we really, you don’t know

Na-ked radio

Na-ked radio

Broadcast in our birthday suits

Oh here we, here we, here we go

(MIKE vamp, - D

You can’t tell people that.

I just did.

But, I’d never.

No turning back now. Come on.

Alright…

Out there it is stormin’ Inside it is nice and hot

Furnace keeps on warmin’ We’ll heat up every bit we’ve got

But when we’re on the radio You have to wonder is it true?

Where did all our clothing go?_ Yes we’re naked, how ‘bout you?

Na-ked radio

Na-ked radio

Standing here without no clothes

BART (spoken): Right down here at “Well Hello”

Na-ked radio

Na-ked radio

Broadcast in our birthday suits

Oh here we, here we, here we

here we, here we, here we

here we, here we, here we go____

(End of song. Phone ringing)

Look at those phones, probably just lost half of our advertisers. I’ll take ‘em. WHLO, Well Hello.

You guys are just a stitch.

WHLO, Well Hello.

Did you really take off your clothes?

WHLO, Well Hello.

I demand evidence. Photographic evidence.

Well Hello.

Naked…is stupid!

Well Hello.

This is Barb Gibson of Gibson’s Plumbing. I want the two of you to do a commercial for me, a television commercial, both of you, in one of my custom-installed showers. Naked.

Well I uh…

Think about it. ‘Bye.

(on mic)

Well, Bart. Do we have a bunch of irate listeners?

Nope. Seems like Middletown approves of radio nudity, go figure.

So, what next?

Sure, sure. What next.

What next. Yeah.

Yeah.

Ideas. No ideas. My brain is sort of fried.

Mine, too.

We are desperate. Hey, wait, desperate.

What are you thinking?

Remember a certain something we said we’d save as a last resort.

(BART holds the book up to illustrate.)

Seriously?

Any other ideas?

Nope, I’m tapped out.

Okay then. And now, our own version of Masterpiece Theater.

The Captain’s Captive.

Brought to you from the private library of our very own station manager.

Condensed, and edited on the spot in accordance with FCC Rules.

Chapter 1. Commandeered. The cabin was hot, the petticoats clung to Henrietta Blanchard’s body and she knew that the Pirate Captain saw every bit of her taut flesh beneath the fabric.

“Come here,” he beckoned.” She raised her chin defiantly, though her body spoke a different language. Certain parts of her body were far from rebellious, Her um… nope. Skipping pages. Chapter two. The ropes were tight on her wrists, reminding of her of the captain’s grip when he… Nope.

Chapter three. The Dungeon? Chapter four, the Harem. Okay! Chapter five. Nope, nope, nope. Chapter 9. I can’t even read the chapter title out loud. To the end. And as she stood on the hill, watching the sail disappear over the horizon, she knew no matter what husband her father chose for her, the Captain would always have…

Her captive heart.

Unfortunately, that didn’t take nearly as much time as we thought it would.

No, it didn’t. But you know, that romance novel made me think of another kind of romance. Back at college, we used to do this call-in show. We called it “Love Lessons”

I like it. Shall we?

We shall.

Love Lessons. Love Lessons

if you need advice here’s where you start

Love lessons with Mike / and / Bart.

Are you longing for love?

Are you pining away for that special someone?

Are things a little rocky?

Just call us for advice…

But keep in mind.

We are not professionals.

Love lessons with Mike / and / Bart.

First Caller.

Is that you Bart?

Yeah. Yeah.

It’s me, Judy.

Well hey there, Judy.

Judy Murdock.

We know you, Judy.

So, it’s been five years since Harvey passed away, god rest his soul.

That long?

Yeah, but the thing is, I’ve tried dating men in the county, and I just can’t seem to find anyone. I mean, I’ve tried singles night over to the Tap, but usually most of the guys there are more pickled than the eggs behind the counter.

You know Judy, think about a vacation. Mix things up. You might meet someone wherever you go, or being away might help you appreciate what you’ve got back here.

Say, that’s good advice.

Glad I could help.

Hey, are you really naked?

You’ll never know. Next Caller. WHLO, Well, Hello.

Yeah. I’m wondering if I should dump my girlfriend because she listens to this pathetic radio station.

(under his breath) Nate! (on mic) Yes, yes you should. You should definitely dump your imaginary girlfriend. Because she is imaginary, isn’t she, Nate?

(beat) Yeah, but you’re still…

Stupid!

Yeah, we know. Goodbye, Nate. (to Bart) WHLO, Well Hello.

Hi Mike.

Hi Misty.

Mike, do you remember that one time, when you talked like a Dalek.

Yep. Yep, I do, It was this morning.

So, Mike. I was just wondering. Do you have a girlfriend?

Oh, I…

You don’t have to answer that, Mike.

I uh…

(off mic) Plead the fifth, plead the fifth.

Do you?

Well, you know, the thing is, I was dating someone before I moved up here.

You were? As in past tense?

Well, it’s uh…it’s complicated.

Complicated can be good.

Misty. This is love lessons; do you need any relationship advice?

Not yet.

All I’m saying is we really like each other, and we were going to wait and see how I like this job before she thinks about moving up here.

Well, I hope everything works out in the best way possible for you.

Thank you, Misty. Next caller, WHLO, Well, Hello.

Hello this is… Magg… Margaret.

What can we do for you, Margaret?

You see… there’s this guy. I’m just crazy about him.

Good.

He’s smart, cute, funny, talented. I mean, super talented.

Well, what’s the problem?

The thing is, we’ve been dating for three months now and… well, he’s never spent the night. I mean, I understand old-fashioned, but it is the twenty-first century and it’s not like we’re nineteen or something.

Well, you know. Some people just move at a slower pace.

Yeah, but doesn’t it make you wonder? If there’s something more under the surface? If, maybe he doesn’t really like me or something?

Well now, it’s hard to tell, Margar… wait, you said your name was Margaret?

Yes, this is Margaret.

Well now, Margaret, I don’t think this is appropriate talk for the radio.

Bart, what do you mean? This is love lessons. Margaret, why don’t you think he’s willing to take the next step in the relationship?

Honestly, I think he’s hiding something from me.

No, he’s not.

Yes he is, Bart. He’s hiding the fact that he’s thinking about taking a job at an insurance company down in Madison. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to take things to the next level, because he’s about to run out on me just when things are getting started.

That’s…not how it is. And how do you know about him and this job anyway? Have you been snooping through his email?

No! I haven’t. I was down in Madison and I ran into your Uncle and he mentioned you’d been talking to him about a job.

Maggie, I…

Why haven’t you told me, Bart?

(beat) Maybe because I was ashamed. Maybe because I’ve…because I’ve lost. I’m still at the station where my Dad and my Grandad worked… but I’m nothing more than a glorified babysitter for Rosie the Robot.

Oh, Bart. You’ve gotta believe in yourself. You do.

(BART is sort of paralyzed.)

I’m very confused, this Margaret has a boyfriend and… (light bulb). Ohhhhhh. Hi Maggie.

Hello, Mike.

So, you two… I didn’t know.

Yeah, well, we are.

Maggie, this is not the place to talk about this.

When is?

Not. Now. Now leave it.

(Hiss on air, the lights on the station phone go out. Lights fade down on Maggie.)

Oh, look at that, she hung up on me. Love lessons, great idea, kid.

Sorry.

(BART exits.)

Umm, I guess love lessons is over now. What next? What next? Let’s see… Okay, yeah. I remember back when I was a kid we had this huge blizzard. It was crazy. One thing I recall is that was all we talked about. Everyone had something to tell. I bet this one is the same. So, how about it folks, why don’t you call us and tell us about what you’ve been seeing. Let’s see, theme song. Okay, got it.

The Blizzard's been a 'blowin

The wind just keeps on goin'

The drifts, they keep on growin'

Purty high

Have you been safe and warm

In this amazing storm

Call us and tell us how you are

Snow stories

Now, if you’ll forgive me, folks. It’s just me in the booth so this will be a little clunky. WHLO, what’s your snow story?

Hi, this is Maura. I’m the woman who called in yesterday about my furnace. I just wanted to send out a thank you to that nice lady who called and helped me. I got the pilot light going and we’ve been warm and toasty ever since. So, I just want to send a thank you out to Bobbi.

Yeah, that was Bob.

Bob? That was a man?

Yep.

My apologies, but thank you all the same.

Next Caller.

Hi, this is Kate. I don’t necessarily have a story, but I wanted to let Misty know that I listened to every word of her Dr. Who song and I would love to get a recording of her Saga of the Daleks set to the tune of Hotel California, or possibly even hear it as a living room concert.

Misty, Kate, I think you two are going to be fast friends. WHLO. You’re on the air.

Yeah, this is Judy.

Hi Judy.

Judy Murdock.

We know you, Judy.

I’ve gotta tell you (chuckles) I went to open the front door this morning and I pull it open and there’s just a wall of snow, all the way up. And it was packed tight. Nothing came into the house. I just closed it up right away again.

So, you’re snowbound.

Yeah, sorta. But I could get out the second floor window if I had to and just slide down. I’m good for now, though.

Good to hear. We’ll send Dewey over your way when the roads are open again.

Oh, I’d appreciate that, for sure.

WHLO. Next Caller.

Yes, this is Agnes Blankenship from the County. I wanted to tell you that Maggie didn’t hang up on Bart. The Verizon tower that covers Maggie’s part of the County just cut out. The boys are worried about the land lines, too.

(BART returns with a wine box and sets it down.)

Thanks for that, Agnes. Well, hey, look at that! Bart Dunwood has entered the building. Welcome back, Bart.

Thanks Mike.

We’re listening to ‘snow stories’.

Yeah, I heard on the monitor.

Why don’t you take over? I’ve got Sarah on the line.

Well hey Sarah. How are those pups doing?

Oh my gosh, they’re doing great, even if they do look like a patchwork quilt. All of them have families already, too. Can you believe it?

That’s terrific.

All thanks to trading time. Thanks, boys! Ginny, get back!

You are most welcome.

Myrna on the line.

Heya Myrna.

Boys, I have the funniest story to tell you. My two granddaughters are over. Ellie’s seventeen, Paige is fifteen. So, I always say that they should just have those smart phones of theirs permanently attached to their hands. They’re on them all the time.

Oh, we know what you’re talking about.

Oh, I tell you, when the internet went out, it was like they were going through withdrawals or something. They were practically panicked. They couldn’t get onto their insta-snap or whatever it’s called. But after they got through that, they sat down and started listening to you two. That’s what we’ve been doing ever since. Boys, can you believe it? It brought me back to my childhood. Me, and my parents. My brothers and sisters. We all used to sit around and listen to Jack Benny and Ozzie and Harriet, we didn’t even have a TV until the sixties. You ask what’s happened in the storm, we’ve been listening to you. That’s our storm story.

Well, that’s a good one.

Thank you, boys.

Thank you, Myrna.

(to phone) No, Nate. I’m not putting you on. Yeah, so are you. (to Bart) Next, we have Barb Gibson.

Hi Barb, we’ll get your third spot on today, promise.

Oh, I’m not worried about that. I just want to echo what Myrna said. What you boys are doing is terrific. Reminds me of my Dad. Brings me to tears just thinking about it.

Thank you, Barb.

No problem. Keep it up. Oh, and Bart?

Yeah?

Patch it up with Maggie or I’ll take you out at the knees with a pipe wrench. Bye.

Next up, is Michael.

Hello, Michael.

Yeah, it’s not Michael, it’s Nate… and…

(Hiss on the air.)

Did you hang up on him?

No, I tried, but the lines are dead. I guess Agnes was right.

Well, it was a good place to end, anyway. You’ve been listening to:

Snow stories.

So, we’re alone. Can’t call anyone, nobody can call us.

Of course, that means Nate can’t call, either.

Silver linings. So Bart, you came back with a box.

Yes, I did. (on mic) WHLO Listeners, never you fear about old Bart and Mike, because we’ve got a new source of calories.

What?

Yep, I looked in the cupboard and guess what I found. Spiced wine, left over from the Christmas party. Half a case.

We probably shouldn’t.

Yeah, you’re right.

(They take a moment to contemplate the wine.)

On the other hand, Roman soldiers called beer ‘liquid bread’.

You could call this stuff liquid grapes.

And like you say, it’s calories.

Yep, calories. And twist tops, so we don’t even need a corkscrew.

Middletown listeners, right now Bart is pouring the delicious libation into BCN coffee mugs.

Don’t tell BCN, it’s against policy.

Not a word from me.

(He pours into a couple of coffee mugs.)

Cheers.

Cheers. (they drink.)

Hmm, not too bad.

Not bad at all.

I like it. So, what next?

When in doubt, station break.

Station break.

(no demo)

News and sports, farm reports and the music that you know

The spot on your dial that makes you smile is double-you-H-L-O

Friendly folks, corny jokes and the weekly shopping show

The happiest sound in Middletown is double-you-H-L-O

Well hello

Well hello

Well hello

(light shift – shift positions - bottle.)

Well hello

(light shift – shift positions.)

Well hello

(light shift – shift positions.)

Well hello

Well hello

(The guys are a bit tipsy. They keep sipping at their drinks, though.)

Bart, what time is it?

Umm… three-ish.

Feels like it. Hey Bart, let’s talk about you for a little while.

Not my favorite subject, but okay?

You mentioned you grandfather, and your Dad? They both worked here at the station?

Oh, yeah, yeah. My Grandad Wally was one of the first DJ’s. Then, my Dad, Charley, he followed along, and then me.

Wow, three generations.

Yeah. The station was always owned by the Berger family, but when old Milly passed away, I tried to get a group together to buy it, but didn’t have any luck. So, her family sold it to BCN.

And now we’re here.

Yep, now we’re here. Now. We’re. Here. Lovely Listeners. All you members of our great WHLO audience, Myrna, Barb, Agnes, Judy Murdock…Misty, Bob. Even Nate. I want to follow up on what Myrna said a while ago. Radio was pretty terrific back in the day. Back in the day everything wasn’t owned by some international conglomerate. We had local stores and local businesses that were owned by local people like, Joe, or Martha, or Wally. This station, it was owned by the Berger family, but my Grandad Wally called the shots. For example, if a local business was struggling, maybe he’d throw in a couple of free ads, a couple of mentions on the air… and guess what, business would pick up for those folks and guess who they’d buy their ads from once they had the money. That’s the kind of world we lived in. Stuff like that happened.

Here’s the thing. Right now, this moment. We’re back there. Right now, there’s no Walmart, no Amazon, no cell phones, not even any internet. And you know what, there’s no stupid, damn silver box, some robot telling me what to do! This is us. This is me. This is ours! And I need to tell you something; this will be my last day on the air. When the plows clear the roads and BCN comes to fix that silver box, I’ll be leaving this place. I sold my soul a while ago, and I’m buying it back. And I’ve gotta come clean. I lied to you. The truth is, earlier in our broadcast we told you we were naked, and we weren’t. So, I’m going to kill two birds with one stone. I’m going to lose this awful corporate polo that they make me wear AND I’m going to fulfill the promise of Radiographic Nuditude. Can I hear an ‘Oh yeah’?

Oh yeah!

Can I get an ‘Amen’!?

Amen!

Can I get some music?

You betcha!

(MIKE lays down a guitar blues intro.)

(note – Demo is longer than what’s written here)

I’m leaving this place. Here’s what I’m gonna do I’m gonna

take off all my clothes and get naked for you aww

Na-ked, I’m gonna get naked I’m gonna

take off all my clothes, yeah that’s what I’m gonna do yeah, yeah

Naked, I’m gonna get na-ked Oh,

I’m on the radio getting na-ked for you I’ve got a face

made for ra-di-o And a body too And I’m

gonna get, gonna get, gonna get, gonna get na-ked for you.

The first thing is the shirt This

stupid corporate polo is so ugly my eyes hurt It’s coming off

It’s twirling round Yeah, I’m

twirling it, twirling it, twirling it, hurlin’ it Throw it on the ground the next

thing The khaki pants I’m

twisting around and realizing I really cannot dance But now they’re down

I’m giving a kick And if I

ever have to wear ‘em again, I know that I’ll be sick I’m getting na-

ked “Whoo!” I’m gettin’ na-ked yeah I’m

taking off my clothes, just like I said I’d do I’m gettin’

na-ked so damn na-ked yeah

I’m on the radio in my birthday suit for you I’ve got a face

made for ra-di-o And a body too I’m

gonna get, gonna get, gonna get, gonna get na-ked For you!

Hey you out there. He’s telling the truth. He is down to just his skivvies.

Yes, I am. But, wait a minute. You’re the guy who started all this?

I am?

You know you are. You with your Naked Radio, you’re a liar, too.

I am. I am, it’s true.

First go the shoes. then the socks I’m

slowly disrobing off all of my clothing and yeah, this really rocks

Then go the pants Off goes the top I’m

down to my underwear, you can’t see under there, am I gonna stop I’m getting’

Na-ked I’m gettin’ na-ked I’m

taking off my clothes, just like I said I’d do yeah yeah

Na-ked “hot damn” we’re na-ked, Yeah,

We are on the ra-di-o in our birthday suits for you I’ve got a face

made for ra-di-o And a body too we’ve

gotten so, gotten so, gotten so, gotten so naked___ so

na-ked For You!!!!

(end of song)

And here we are.

Yep, here we are.

In our underwear.

So… we’re gonna do this?

I’ll do it if you will.

I’ll do it if you will.

Okay then. One. Two.

(MAGGIE COMES bursting in.)

Bart! I heard what you said and… Oh, hello.

Oh!!!

Ahh!

(A mad scramble ensues where they use various musical instruments to cover themselves, but realize in doing so they have uncovered another bit. MAGGIE just keeps watching calmly. Finally, they stop, sort of frozen. MAGGIE reaches into one of the bags she was carrying and tosses them each a blanket.)

Here. Blankets.

Thanks.

Thanks.

It’s uh… very nice to meet you.

Uh huh. How about if you go get dressed. I brought food, too.

I could hug you.

How ‘bout if we wait?

Roger that.

(HE exits. MAGGIE pulls out an iPod nano. Holds it up for BART to see.)

iPod. With songs on it. Something other than the possum walk.

Possum Trot. We broke it.

Thank god.

(She plugs in the iPod and instrumental music plays before she turns it down. As she’s doing this, BART grabs his clothes and puts them on.)

Hi WHLO, this is Maggie Wheeling coming to you, live. Here’s a little of George Winston’s ‘Winter’ to match the surroundings.

(Brief cue before turning down. They sit in awkward silence.)

So…

So… maybe I was wrong. Maybe your next career could be with Chippendales.

Funny.

Well, I didn’t mind the show.

How did you get here?

After I got disconnected, I just had to see you. So, I borrowed the Johnson’s Snowmobile.

You did that for me?

Yes, I did it for you. I made it to about a mile away until I got stuck in a drift and put on snow shoes.

Wow. You’d think you liked me or something.

Yeah, a little. Bart, I’m going to say it again, what you’ve been doing is amazing, and…

Maggie, I know.

You do?

Yes. You were right. I was wrong.

Those are the six most beautiful words a man could ever say to a woman. Say it again.

You were right, I was wrong. Hearing those people call in, talk about this place. It reminded me of why I do it. I am good at this stuff, and I have to find a way to do it, no matter what it takes. And I could use your help.

C’mere.

(They fall into a kiss. MIKE returns.)

Oh… hi, uh sorry.

No problem. Well done, Mr. Mike Young, our newest on-air technician.

Please don’t call me that if you don’t have to.

Deal.

(The red phone starts ringing as she exits.)

Red phone, Should I get it?

No, I can.

I’ll uh…I’ll be right back.

Where are you going?

I’ve just got to take care of something.

(she exits. it keeps ringing)

Are you going to get it?

I’m just thinking of what I’m going to say. Okay. Okay, here we go. WHLO, Well, hello. Hello?

(the actress has entered the phone area.)

Yes, this is Miss Cameron from Corporate.

Oh, yeah, hello, Miss Cameron.

I assume I’m talking to Bart Dunwood?

In the flesh.

Yes. In the flesh. Mr. Dunwood, I’ve recently been getting calls from multiple businesses who have threatened to pull their advertising if you leave the station. That’s not a risk we’re willing to take. Mr. Dunwood, to my surprise, I have been authorized to allow you to have your own three-hour window of programming and create ads for your customers. Many of the callers were very insistent on that point.

Well I… this all sounds good, but I have a couple of conditions myself.

I’m listening.

One, I get the morning shift. Drive time, six to nine.

Done.

Two, Mike does it with me, with the option of doing his own show if this goes well.

We will monitor your numbers and consider it.

Three, we are DJ’s, that’s our title, and we don’t have to wear these logo polo shirts any more.

(beat)

Oh, very well. But Mr. Dunwood?

Yes?

If you’re not wearing the polo, please wear something. Understood?

Understood.

One other thing, is Mike Young there with you?

Yes.

Please put him on.

(Bart hands Mike the phone.)

Mike young here.

Mister Young, I’ve been asked to give you an urgent message from one Nathaniel Longacre.

Nathaniel…? Okay, go ahead.

He says that Snow Stories was, and I quote, ‘stupid’. Goodbye.

(she hangs up.)

Nate!

Well what do you know. Did you hear that?

I got the gist of it.

What do you think?

I think I’m calling my girlfriend to see if she wants to move up here. I think I’ll be here a while.

That’s good news. But how are you going to break it to Misty?

Very carefully.

(MAGGIE enters.)

Hey guys, did I miss anything?

Something tells me you didn’t.

You think you’ll take ‘em up on it?

I guess so.

I’m happy about that. I get to hear your dulcet tones every day.

(DJ voice) Bart Dunwood, Morning Madness on WHLO.

(sexy voice) Ooh, say it again.

Bart Dun…

Maybe you could take that somewhere in private.

Oh, we will Mike. We will.

(MAGGIE picks up the ukulele, starts strumming.)

Whatcha doing?

Hey, you guys got to have all the fun over here, it’s my turn.

If you say so.

You’re live.

A little bit of fun

A pocketful of laughs

A thimbleful of magic and you make me smile

With a corny joke And a silly song

Your life was in a rut

You had to trust your gut

A lit-tle bit of snow and you showed up in style

You strummed a tune And we sang along

A little bit, [Mike: little bit], a little bit, [little bit]

Is all you had to do

And now the world has re-a-lized

We need a lot more of you

Awe, Maggie.

You’re on the air.

But…

Bart Dunwood, don’t you let your listeners down now.

Okay.

A lit-tle old mis-take

I break a sil-ver box

A lit-tle bit of pan-ic and oop - si-dai-sy, I’m in the fry – in’ pan

Like never before____

It took a while to see

That you believe in me

A push or two from you to really make me go Like you knew I could

Now I’m ready for more___

A little bit, [Mag/Mike: little bit], a little bit, [little bit]

Of what I used to do

I’m doin’ what I love the best

And it’s all thanks to you

Hey, there I kind of like you

Hey, there I like you, too

Hey, there I kind of love you… //

You don't say.

I do say.

Hey there I suppose that if we weren't on the air

I’d express that sentiment, too.

Good.

(They kiss. MIKE keeps playing.)

Well hey there, Middletown listeners, while Bart and Maggie are…otherwise engaged, I’d like to take this moment to thank you for letting us help get you through this storm. It’s been an honor and pleasure. And good news! The folks down at the BCN Corporate office have liked what we’ve been doing. So, we’ll be coming to you a lot more over the airwaves down here at WHLO, Well Hello. Where we’ll be bringing you…

A lit-tle trad-in’ time A lit-tle bit of love

A lit-tle bit of sil-ly mixed with craz-i-ness and old time fun

On the ra-di-o_____

A strum on the guit-ar

A Ban-jo if you please

A lit-tle u-ku-le-le to complete the band

It’s a three piece band

So come on lets go

MAGS: A lit-tle bit, [BOYS: lit-tle bit], A lit-tle bit, [lit-tle bit]

Here on the ra-di-o [ahhh]

[ra-di-o]

And now we’ll bring you a whole lot more

on W___ H LO

Yes now we’ll be bringing you a whole lot more

On W______ H L

O________

W__ H L O___ Well Hel-lo

(end of show)